im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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