my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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