I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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