apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
