I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
