: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I fill condoms, not promises.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
