My room smells like vodka and shame
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
