My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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