Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Semen is not good for contacts.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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