i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
