i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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