your thong is hanging out like whoa
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
