If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
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