Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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