How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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