He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
