You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
