eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
