I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
