The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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