you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
