i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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