you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
