That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Randomize
