Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
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It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
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I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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