and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
