No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
