I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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