She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
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Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
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CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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