In America we eat man semen.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Pooping to opera.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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