tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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