He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
