u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
