Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
