to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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