Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Randomize
