i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize