I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
