May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
