Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
