I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
