Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
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A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
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Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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