I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
