I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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