Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
two words...techno handjob
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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