singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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