I can text with my tongue
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
