My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
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We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
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You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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