Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
