She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
