my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
