He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize
