i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
