I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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