Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.